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Throm's Cave Journey
Throm's Cave Journey is the second story from Episode One''. The story was written by Dominic Moschitti. Story Text The cave was dark and moist, just like most caves in Orcspire. They always seem like two sexy-ass ogres just got done having nasty, stanky-ass sex in it (cuz they do). Caves are where ogres have sex, so it smells bad. Dark, moist, ogre sex dungeon: that’s what caves are like here, and it sucks. Throm was a barbarian not too different from the others. Broad shoulders, lack of neck, long metal-head hair, and wearing just a loincloth that had been washed never. He carried two double-edged axes on his back, and from time to time would write the word ‘Unfuckwittable’ across his chest. Throm was just about fed up with this cave; he had been hired by a wizard in the nearby town to find The Looking Glass of Forbidden Sight. He usually wouldn’t take up quests that didn’t involve him beheading, like, thirty guys, then throwing those heads at thirty other guys, but he needed the gold to buy this sick sword he saw in town that had skulls drawn on it and shit. He had spent the last two hours searching for the looking glass with no luck, and at one point it got super humid and he took a deep breath, and definitely tasted ogre taint. “GODDAMN ASS-SHIT!” yelled Throm in frustration, and he punched the wall of the cave. Now, Throm was strong, but he didn’t expect the wall to explode, which it did. When the dust settled, Throm realized he had uncovered a hidden room in the cave. “Bonus!” said Throm. He was about to step into the room when he noticed someone moving, or dancing around inside. “WHO FUCKING THINKS THEY CAN BE IN A CAVE?” yelled Throm. “Meeeeeee!” yelled a little gnome, as he rolled out of the darkness and right up to Throm. Now, Throm had little patience for gnomes, as they were often naked and aroused. This gnome did not seem to be any different. “I’m Fleetwood Mac!” replied the gnome, stark nude. He then spun around and said, “And I want y’all to have a maaaaaaagical Christmas.” Throm took a moment to try and conceive what Christmas was, but quickly gave up. “Out of the way gnome, I’ve got stuff to do and you’re annoying and stupid and also dumb.” “Well well well, don’t y’all know I might have something to do with what you’re looking for?” said Fleetwood as he did something similar to a dog dying. “I SAID SHUT UP!” yelled Throm. “Looking for a certain looking glass, hmm?” Fleetwood countered. Just as Throm was about to piss on the little guy, he remembered: ''I am looking for a looking glass. “Where is it?” said Throm as he put his dick back in his loincloth (which was fortunate for Fleetwood, as Throm had just ejaculated, and you know that first piss after it is like a goddamn sprinkler). “Oh, don’t y’know it’s right here!” said Fleetwood, reaching behind Throm’s ear and revealing The Looking Glass of Forbidden Sight. “Hot damn, there it is!” said Throm, and he snatched it from Fleetwood. “Hey, I was going to make you play games with me to get that,” said Fleetwood. “Shut up loser butthole,” said Throm, as he exited the cave. Fleetwood followed. “Well don’t you want to see what’s so forbidden about The Looking Glass?” Just then, Throm remembered: Oh yeah, I did want to find out what was so forbidden about this looking glass. But he didn’t want Fleetwood to, like, think he reminded him, so he yelled “FUCKING FINE, I’LL USE YOUR SHIT!” Standing at the entrance of the cave, Throm held the looking glass up to his eye. Hmm, doesn’t seem to do anything, he thought as he scanned the forest. Just then, he saw a deer with the longest, slimiest, super-detailed dick drawn onto the deer. “OH FUCKING SHIT!” yelled Throm. “DAT DEER GOT DA BIGGEST DONGER!” “Tee hee hee!” laughed Fleetwood as he rolled back and forth butt-ass nude over some jagged rocks. Throm then saw a bear who had a drawn-on dick as big as the goddamn forest. “OHHH FUUUUUCK!” yelled Throm. Throm had seen enough. “This is black magic!” He then took out one of his axes and chopped Fleetwood in half. “Remember me for my… wonderful bod,” breathed Fleetwood as he died (and yeah, as a matter of fact, that bod was killer). Throm gave him props and ran back to town to find the wizard who hired him. Throm kicked the door off the wizard’s house. “Oh boy, pizza’s here!” said the wizard, who was seriously, like, 100 years old, and thought he had ordered pizza, which he didn’t, and pizza didn’t even exist then, let alone delivery pizza, so what was he even talking about, but then you remember: oh, right, wizard. “YOU SENT ME ON A QUEST FOR A BLACK MAGIC DICK LOOKER? YOU DIE NOW, WIZARD!” Just as Throm raised his axe to slice the wizard in half, the wizard yelled, “Wait, no! I don’t want to look at those dicks; I wish to destroy it. That’s why I hired you to find it for me.” Throm felt a little bad. He was just about to ruin this old guy. The wizard took the looking glass and stepped on it. As the glass cracked, thousands of drawn-on dicks floated out the door, and to who knows where. Maybe they floated to your house? “Well that’s that,” said the wizard. “Here’s your payment, barbarian.” He handed Throm a sack with a dollar sign drawn on it, but was really filled with lewd pics of the wizard. Throm liked it.